Running This Moment!

I have been doing a lot of connectivity lately between spirituality and the sport of running.  I am beginning to see the benefits of using a run as spiritual practice, reflection, and meditation.  I had an interesting experience and insight of it this week.

I was out running over at Ellenberger Park here in Indianapolis and it was rather cold.  I was bundled up quite well and it seems to me that whenever I am bundled as such I tend to run much slower than usual.  As I was running around the park, these two guys passed me.  I am not sure why but I found myself wanting to keep up with their pace.  Then, as I ran by a guy running in the opposite direction I wondered in my mind whether or not I was running as fast as he was.  Not long after, two women walked by me and gave me a look, which in my mind estimated to, “Seriously, you might as well be walking man.”  All of this was in my mind and I was just feeling slow….period.

I suppose that I can link some of this back to my time as a runner in high school.  The sport of cross country or track is competitive by nature.  You don’t see anyone line up for the 1 mile race and say, “Well, I’ll just get in my easy groove and go at my own pace.”  No, it is a race to be won.  And, I was super competitive in all of my races.  I suppose I get it from the opinions of others as well.  I remember a few years ago I ran in a 5k and mentioned to someone that I finished in the top 50 or 75 and when they found out that I ran it in roughly an 8:30 per mile pace they said, “Well, that must have been a rather slow crowd.”  There is this inherent message in racing that suggests that one’s time and placement in relationship to others is of utmost importance.  I suppose these voices and forces are burned into my consciousness.

It occurs to me that I need to rethink this way of thinking.  After all, it is just that…a way of thinking.  What if I am running not to compete with others, or to reach a particular per mile time, or to accomplish something huge?  What if I were running for my health, for spiritual and human insight, to learn how to be mindful of this moment?  I spend so much time in my head comparing myself to others and to time watches, and very little on actually “running this moment.”  So, perhaps from here on out I will focus not on what others are doing, how fast others are running, but simply running each step, each moment, each breath.  This just could be another good metaphor in learning how to live mindfully in each moment of my life without judgment and recognizing the presence of God in all that I do.

The Compassion of Children

As a minister I have often referred to the phrase, “Out of the mouths of babes” to refer to the wisdom of children.  Not just because it is clever and witty, but because it is often true.  While kids by no means have the maturity to have a broader sense of the world, and let’s be honest neither do most adults, there is something amazing about the way kids are perceptive and can key in on things that are incredibly important just when the adults seem to have forgotten.  I was so proud of Isa last night because it was one of those “out of the mouths” kind of experiences and her compassion was astounding.

This week Isa has been sick.  She has been running temperatures of 101 and 102 regularly and she has been very lethargic and grumpy.  I would be too if I were as sick as she has been.  Last night as I was tucking her into bed for the night she asked me to pray and so I did.  The majority of my prayer was about thanking God for the day and for Isa and praying that she would feel better soon and have good dreams.  As soon as I got done with my prayer she says, “Hey daddy, we can’t forget to pray for your friend who went into the hospital today.  He is sick too, so maybe we can pray for him tomorrow.”

I was amazed!  My good friend, Scott, had just been admitted to the hospital to begin chemotherapy and it happened rather suddenly.  We have been worried about him and she knew this and so when it came time to pray she wanted him included.  I had forgotten, but she had not.  Perhaps it was because she knew what it felt like to be sick at the time or perhaps it was just Isa being the compassionate little girl that she is.  While I recognize that kids, Isa included, often think of their toys and their friends and playing as the central focus of their lives and that they often have a hard time sharing with others, Isa reminded me of the compassion of children, that they are an enormous source of comfort during hard times.  And so, we said a short prayer for Scott and we continue to hold him in our hearts.

I just love it that my own kid has this enormous compassion for others and that she is not entirely focused on her own needs.  In the middle of being sick, she was thinking of others.  In fact, Shannon told me later that she wanted to pray for her schoolmate DJ the other day because he was sick too.  I need this reminder that the world doesn’t revolve around me and my situation and that the lives of others are incredibly important, not just to God but to me as well.  Thank you, Isa, for sharing your light of compassion with me, with Scott, and the entire world.

The Unexpected Gift

She sat in the corner by herself with her head pointed to the ground as though she were looking for a lost coin or remembering someone she once knew intimately.  She was wearing a santa hat and when she did actually glance up from the floor she had a curiosity and hope that rose to the surface that somehow seemed buried deep within.  I saw this hope come alive today because she became friends with my daughter.

Three times a year the fine folks of St. Peters UCC visit Rural Health Center in the neighborhood just north of where we live.  Years ago St. Peters had a relationship with a local AIDS organization and when that facility closed the director moved on to run the Rural Health Center.  She asked if St. Peters would like to continue to visit folks in that context even though these patients were not specifically dealing with AIDS.  The residents of Rural Health are mostly physically and mentally disabled and what adds to this struggle is that many of these folks do not have family or any kind of regular community support system in place.  So, many of these folks are forgotten by our society and this has opened the hearts of people at St. Peters to befriend them and share their lives with them.  It is an amazing ministry and one that I would imagine we could do more with in terms of surrounding them with a community that builds on their gifts, such as the story of Waddy Welcome, but even so, it is remarkable to be a part of.

Today we threw them a Christmas party.  Shannon, Isa, Solomon, and I all went to help out and found an amazing surprise.  I suppose on many levels those of us who go to Rural Health to help on these three days a year often see ourselves as “giving,” and this is especially true at Christmas time.  For example, today Isa and I sat with Willie and made Christmas decorations for his room, then we provided them all with snacks that we made, and then sang Christmas carols.  Perhaps we are offering ourselves and giving in such a way that brings them family during times of the year that they are lonely and would truly love the companionship.  But, today I witnessed the gift of giving in the life of one of the resident, Crystal.

Crystal sat in the corner by herself, head pointed to the ground, but lifting it occasionally to give us a spark of her true self.  She caught the eye of my daughter as we sat with Willie at the table next to her.  As we were getting food prepared to bring out to them, I saw Crystal get up and go back to her room for a while.  When she came back she had put together a really nice gift for Isa.  She gave her a Christmas present which was a small lunch bag for school and inside of it had a small kids watch and a calculator.  I watched my daughter light up with joy as she opened it up and she came running to show me so I could help her with the watch.  But, what actually was more amazing was the look on Crystal’s face as she watched Isa open the gift.  She was beaming from ear to ear with joy, and that face panning to the ground now was looking up at a child and offering her a piece of herself.  What a gift!  In fact, moments later she asked Isa if she could show her the Christmas tree she had put up in her room and so we all grabbed hands together and went to see Crystal’s room.  As a father, I was in awe of this moment.

Sometimes I think we rob the Crystal’s of the world of giving their gifts and of giving of themselves at times of the year like this.  I am to blame for thinking that we would walk in and offer something, Christmas cheer, and not assume that God has already filled her up with the same cheer and was eager and willing to share.  This experience today allowed me to see that Christmas is about more than receiving gifts or giving gifts, but sharing both with those around us.  We need to give of ourselves and we also need to step back and allow others to give to us.  Now my daughter is skipping through the house with her new watch and punching numbers she doesn’t fully understand into the calculator.  This adds up to quite a wonderful day in Gospel lessons and in sharing in mutual joy with others if you ask me.

Merry Christmas, Crystal, and to all of the residents of Rural Health Center.  Thank you for your gift to me today.

Five Years of Fatherhood

This past week my daughter, Isa, turned 5  and I began wondering how time could have gone so quickly.  In so many ways I feel like I am still trying to adjust to what it means to be a father, and yet, I also feel like I have learned a great deal about myself in the last five years.  I thought I would share some reflections upon my first five years of fatherhood.

1.  Parenthood is rarely what you imagined it would be.  This is not to say that there aren’t elements of being a father that have been very much in line with what I thought it would be like, but I certainly was naive…in both good and bad ways.  I was not naive enough to think it would be easy, but so much has surprised me.  I think the biggest thing I have learned is about control.  I suppose I naively thought that if I had the right philosophy, or all the right parenting ideas and techniques, or if I followed my values as much as I could that my child would turn out exactly as I want them to, or that other people would be gracious with me, or that I could still find myself doing similar things from before we had children.  Wow, I was wrong, dead wrong.  What I have learned is that I don’t control nearly anything and that the more I am willing to give that control up the better off my relationship as a father will be.  I have realized that every child is different and that even the best philosophically sound books are still “philosophies” and not reality with a kid.  I have learned that people are not always gracious with you and can be down right vitriolic.  And, yes, schedules with kids do not allow some of the fun fulfilling things we used to do (duh!).  No more standing in line to be the first in the theatre to see Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter films when they first come out….(Oh yeah, I have an infant and a 5 year old).  But, in spite of all these things I have learned that being a father is about letting go and learning as you go.

2.  Joy comes in the little moments. I have also learned about fatherhood that not every moment of your life with kids is a photo op or pleasant.  In fact, with a screaming baby on the one hand and a preschooler with a broken arm whining on the other, life can be down right stressful.  But, you know, life is made up of little moments and they are moments of amazing joy.  As a father I have learned to let go of idealistic notions of family or the assumption that things will be perfect and have begun to love small moments.  I love praying with Isa before bedtime or asking her what she would like me to sing before we pray and she says, “The song you always sing.”  I then sing to her “Have I Told You Lately that I Love You” which she then sings along with me.  I love snuggling up next to her on the couch while we watch a movie or football.  I like it when we are driving to my parent’s home in Kentucky and she says, “Hey daddy, look, I see Grandma’s mountains.”  I really enjoy taking her to school in the mornings and seeing her glow with excitement as we get to her classroom.  Most of all, I love it when I am sick and she comes to me with her doctor’s bag and tells me that she is going to make me well.  She really is a loving and caring little girl and always wants to make sure you are taken care of.  I suppose I have learned as a father not to pay too much attention to the extremes as signposts for good fatherhood.   By that I mean, I just don’t believe that being a parent means always experiencing the mountaintop and neither do I think that it is all about stressful moments.  I think the true joy is finding the small moments worthwhile and celebrating them.

3.   I think the most important thing that has grounded me as a father is my most important relationship of all….my marriage. I married the most amazing woman nearly 12 years ago now and she knows me inside and out.  She has seen me thrive and succeed and be in those moments of support and celebration…times when I am at my best.  She has also seen me when I get frustrated, when I am angry, when I make mistakes, when I am selfish….when I am at my worst.  When I think about being a father I have come to see that it is not a solitary task.  Not that I ever thought it was, but it is clear that my relationship with Shannon is and will always be the most important thing in my life and the relationship that allows me to be a good father.  She grounds me.  She reminds me of just how blessed our kids are because I care for them and nurture them and take time to be present when they need me.  She also reminds me when I need to be better and when I need to rethink things.  This is a true gift.  Our partnership is the bright spot in my life and gives me strength and courage when things don’t quite seem right.  This does not mean that people who are divorced or are single parents are somehow bad parents.  I would never make such a judgment.  But, I know for me that I have been able to see my role as a father differently and with much more clarity with Shannon as my partner.  In my case, perhaps it is simply that I married a woman who has amazing wisdom and the ability to grow with me as we journey together.  Regardless, I know that my fathering will be no better than my being a husband, mostly because my kids witness our relationship and it is held up as a mirror.  I thank God that we share a similar vision and hope for our lives and our kids and that we share this journey together….I would not be the same father without Shannon.

Finally, as I think on these past five years of my life with a little girl and now with a new son, I have come to realize that parenthood is all about adjustments.  Not every kid is the same and some great theory about how to raise kids is not always going to fit every situation or every child.  I have no doubt that what worked with Isa will not necessarily work with Solomon.  So, it is about adjusting and finding what does work and how to share my life with my kids in a way that is positive and life giving.  I can assure you, I have not done this perfectly, many mistakes have been made.  But, I feel like I am doing the best that I can and I think that is all anyone can ever ask of a parent.  I am thankful that I am learning early on that being a father is about laughing at yourself, forgiving yourself for mistakes and accepting forgiveness from others, or letting go of things that are not in your control, and most of all to appreciate the little moments….for all of these moments will be here and gone in a flash.  I love you, Isa, Solomon, and Shannon.  These past five years have been one amazing journey.  I foresee a wonderful journey ahead, not without twists and turns and bumps, but it will certainly be wonderful.  I am filled with joy that we get to do it together.

Moments of Affirmation

This week was an important week in my life and I found enormous amounts of affirmation for my journey in ministry.  I have recently been taking a new path for ordination with the United Church of Christ and Tuesday evening was my night to come before their local board for getting approval to move through the first major hurdle in the process.  I had worked hard to get all of my information to them and to articulate my call clearly and I felt like I accomplished this with poise.  When I arrived at the meeting I was rather nervous and as it turned out God had already prepared a few great moments of affirmation that I never saw coming.  I would like to share those in this blog.

I arrived about 10 minutes early and I stood in the hallway looking in on the committee about to examine me.  They were all so gracious the meeting before and I just was unsure what the next stages would bring.  As I stood waiting, a man I had never met before came out of the meeting room with a tray full of food to take back to the kitchen from their meal as a committee.  He stopped to introduce himself and he said to me, “I am not sure if you remember me, but I am Annabelle Hartman’s son.  I came to hear you preach at Lockerbie while you were there and was just so delighted to see you are now coming through our system.”  I could hardly believe my ears.  Annabelle was at the time I was at Lockerbie Central UMC a 91 year old saint and prophet.  She attended Lockerbie regularly and would often take 5 minutes or so after my sermon or during prayer time to share what was on her heart during worship.  And, when Annabelle speaks, everyone listens.  She was such an enormous support to me and encouraged me in ministry always.  Much to my surprise, her son was there on this committee and expressed tremendous support to the members of the committee on my behalf and spoke of my gift for preaching.  I was floored at this wonderful surprise as he was not at the last meeting.  What is more, this was not the only surprising moment.

After everyone had pretty much had a chance to ask me questions and make comments on my spiritual autobiography, the chair of the committee solicited any last questions before they made their decision.  This woman from the committee chimes in, “I don’t have a question, more of an observation.  It seems to me that no matter where you have journeyed in life, even if it meant leaving the pastorate for a while, that God has always been with you and leading you back to the Church.  I just wanted to affirm that presence in your life and in your call to the ministry.”  I was stunned.  The way in which she shared this and the grace with which she offered me this gift of affirmation was astounding.  I was nearly in tears it was so beautiful.

It is clear to me from this meeting that I am on the right path intended for me to travel.  I did not enter this meeting with any sense of these kinds of affirmations ever happening, but there they were and to be sure they were incredibly life giving to me.  I walked away from that meeting feeling the presence of the Divine more than I had in any moment in my experience with the institutional Church.  As I drove home Tuesday evening I felt at peace and a smile never left my face.  Thanks be to God.

On this All Saints night, a candle burns in my entry way for the saints and ancestors who we remember and acknowledge continue to live within us.  It is clear in my mind that this holy day is quickly becoming my favorite and most meaningful.  As a young boy most of my experiences of Halloween were fun events of traveling around the neighborhood in masks asking for candy.  My parents always made it so much fun.  As an adult, Shannon and I have come to do some research historically and spiritually and found that there is an amazing place not just for trick or treating, but for celebrating the saints.

At Church today we had a celebration of the dead in all of our services.  In our 9:30 service in particular, we made some nichos or remembrance altars for our ancestors, ours of which is now in our entryway at home.  We designed our nicho and brought it to church.  It had my great grandmothers who have meant so much to me honored and some of Shannon’s extended family and even some previous pets.  It was an amazing opportunity for us to recognize that we stand on the shoulders of a great cloud of witnesses, of saints whose lives have so shaped and molded our lives and continue to do so.

One of the most amazing feelings for me is my unique chance to share the gift of our ancestors with my two kids.  Most of these people they have never met, and yet, it is a chance not only to introduce them to all those who impact our lives, but to see that my role as a father is significant and will also likely last generations.  This makes me take my role as a father even that much more seriously.  My son, Solomon, and daughter, Isa, dressed up today as the Princess and the Frog and it was the cutest thing ever, but what was even more important to me was that we celebrated together as a family the lives of the saints.

So, tonight as the candle flickers in remembrance of my great grandma Negley and McNeil and other saints in both of our families, I am humbled by the fact that my life is not my own and that I am shaped by this great cloud of witnesses and saints.  May they always live in me.

Dream a Little Dream with Me

I had a dream and it was very real.  I don’t mean I had a dream in a Martin Luther King Jr. kind of dream, although that would be nice to behold also, but this was a vividly Freud and Jung would be fascinated by me kind of dream.  I dream rather regularly and whether my subconscious just represses many of them or I just plain forget them, rarely are they this direct and life giving.  I truly believe in the power of dreams to heal, to give affirmation, to give instruction and to offer new life.  Here is my dream from last night.

I could not tell you of my exact location, but I can tell you that it was seemingly a city off of a coast line or a major river and body of water.  I remember coming out of a building and walking around the corner to find an opening between two buildings that had a small hill to walk up that was covered in grass and with a large tree.  When I got to the top of that hill between the buildings, I could see a body of water as long and as far as the horizon.  The sun was beginning to set and it was one of those typical scenes of beauty.  I noticed on my right nearest to the building on my right that there was, strangely, a gondola sitting there.  It was not just any ordinary gondola, but it seemed to have some sort of white sail connected to the middle.  The gondola itself was not painted and was just a sandy brown color, the original color of the wood used to construct it.  I walked over to the boat and got in grabbing the pole of which the sail was connected and just stood looking at the beauty of the horizon.

A few minutes later my friend Scott Collins came over and stood with me looking at the horizon.  He, too, grabbed the pole and gently suggested that we go for a ride.  Somehow he pushed the boat off of the hill and we were heading towards the body of water.  As we got closer and closer I could feel my body begin to tense up and fear overwhelmingly creeped into my stomach.  I knew that I have always feared the water and drowning, mostly because I do not know how to swim in waters I cannot stand in.  Just as I was about to tell Scott that I didn’t want to go out onto the waters I felt this warm voice within me say, “Be at peace, for I will be with you.”  This was not a voice I could literally hear, it was not audible, but it was rather from within.  I could sense it and feel it and a beautiful warmth came over me and I was able to just let go.  I did let go and we went onto the waters, Scott standing with me, and me finding joy.  The last thing I remember about my dream is a smile crossing my face.

There are so many images that are striking to me in this dream: fear, water, Scott, trust, faith, the unknown, hope, and letting go.  I think about the disciples who were with Jesus and had been fishing all night not catching a thing and he told them to “go out into the deep waters.”  I have always found this text startling because water has always been terrifying to me and I imagine this was the case for Jesus’ disciples as well.  The “deep” water always resembled uncertainty and unsafe territory, where the possibility of the Leviathan could come up and destroy them.  I think I allow my fear to dictate way too much of how I choose things or what path I will journey on, like a Leviathan coming up to destroy me.

That Scott was in this dream was no small thing.  Scott Collins has served not only as a friend for the last several years, but has been my life coach over the last several months as I discerned where I would go on my ordination track.  Scott has helped guide me and probe me with important questions and help me see what my next steps are to be.  We recently came to the conclusion that I would journey within the United Church of Christ for the ordination process and I have felt both uncertainty, fear, and yet excitement about this new direction in my life.  So, here comes Scott in this dream to simply serve as a calming and directive presence with me as I embark out into the deep waters.  This is true to who Scott is and yet it is also true to who God is in my life.  I also think it is no accident that Scott’s coaching business is titled, “True North Coaching Inc.”

Of all the images, though, the most striking to me is the feeling of warmth and peace I felt when I was told to “be at peace, for I am with you.”  It assured me that the decision I have recently made not only was the right one, but that everything is really going to be okay for me.  Sometimes we simply need to hear and see these things for ourselves and this dream was one of those moments.  In fact, as soon as the dream was over, I felt a calming presence of love surrounding me and a true sense of peace within me.  This is not something I have felt for a very long time, if ever.

I am taking new steps in my life, steps into the unknown, and perhaps for the first time in my life I am letting go of the fear within me that has so stunted my ability to heal, to move forward, and to grab hold of life and live it to its fullest.  Today I step out into the deep water in complete trust that I am not alone and that wherever that boat is leading me, I really and truly am going to be okay and that there is purpose and meaning to my journey.

Thanks be to God!